Last time we covered the first 4 out of 6 principles I recommend considering when dealing with any kind of difficult conversations. Check them out before reading this follow-up.

#5. Have an Action Plan

Whenever you have a chance to sense a difficult conversation coming up, make up your mind with at least a crude action plan moving forward. What should be the exact steps you would recommend taking to achieve your goal? Think about it in advance, even if those steps seem obvious and trivial. In many cases, they won’t be so obvious.

Having that action plan gives you several advantages:

  • You are significantly less likely to accept an unfavorable resolution to a problem, since you’ll have an alternative to suggest at hand.
  • You can take advantage of anchor bias — with greater control of the conversation, putting your solution on the table first increases the likelihood that other alternatives will just be relatively small deviations.
  • And last, the most important — it transitions the whole conversation from the “problem pointing” phase to the “problem solving” phase.

It’s totally fine not to have a strong opinion on the best path forward. The point is to show you’re here to solve problems, whatever their source, and bring everyone together to this side of thinking. If you’re unsure about your plan, share those thoughts with other participants, and use it as a chance to engage them in finding the best path forward.

And yes, you got it right — the famous phrase “a bad plan is better than no plan” is also true in management.

#6. No Lies, No Manipulations

This sounds just too obvious, but stick with me for a moment. It can and will be difficult to resist softening some part of your discussion when it’s getting heated, just to get it off your back. This is especially true when someone close to you is involved, e.g., a friend, partner, or a colleague with years of working together.

So gather all the strength not to:

  • Skip any problems or facts, however difficult they are.
  • Downplay the importance (“Oh, but you know it’s not that big of a problem”).
  • Transfer blame.
  • End with a crap sandwich (“You have a problem X, but you’re doing a great job” — so does it mean it’s insignificant?).

The danger is that any of these tactics can send a completely opposite message than intended, especially in a multicultural environment where a language barrier may also be present.

Sticking to and stating only the blunt truth does not justify being disrespectful in any way. Even if someone has committed a very serious infraction, stay professional and respectful at all times.

On-The-Fly

Okay, I already hear you saying, “But most of these tips are about preparation, what if I’m caught by surprise?” Here are a few techniques I can suggest in such a case:

  • First, see if you can actually delay the conversation. If you get caught in a difficult conversation accidentally while walking down to get coffee, can you continue it once everybody’s back? Maybe it’s touching on a topic where more people should reasonably be involved? Is it really that urgent to address right here, right now? See if it’s possible to navigate it to a more controlled environment and timing, gaining those precious moments or hours for preparation.

  • There’s no shame in asking for time to prepare, especially if the topic requires looking into some data or artifacts. It’s absolutely no shame to be aware of our own recency bias and take an additional look at the data even when you’re sure you have a strong understanding of the problem. Does our team really ship more bugs than everyone else? Maybe it feels that way, but can we verify it?

However, the situation doesn’t always unfold or get controlled exactly as you want. So if you’re pressed to continue while still unprepared:

  • Make sure you shut up and listen. Treat it as a feedback-giving session, where you put on your detective hat and try to understand where this person is coming from. Even if it doesn’t seem true from your point of view, why do they think so? What exactly are the circumstances?

  • Follow up on the topics discussed later, once you’ve had a chance to process and think about them deeply. Even if you don’t change your initial response or opinion, rephrasing in your own words ensures you’re on the same page. More often, it will give a chance to make corrections to any agreements made in the heat of the moment.

Further Reading

This topic can only be mastered through practice and years of experience. However, if you feel you want to go deeper, consider checking out the following books:

  • Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher
  • Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Stephen R. Covey, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
  • Radical Candor by Kim Malone Scott (1st part)
  • Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen (This book is about receiving feedback and is ultimately useful even for someone never leading a single person in life).

Photo by GEORGE DESIPRIS